Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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