some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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