Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
false alarm, still single
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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