Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
