I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize