i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize