Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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