dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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