I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I looked at my own cervix.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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