alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
