You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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