I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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