You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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