Who did Billy Mays play for?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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