At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
