I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drake has all the answers
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
