He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
