I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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