She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
soo... how was my night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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