I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
