Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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