I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish I only lived at night.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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