I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
