paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
