I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
