Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
