Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
