Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
