Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I want a musical about memes.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
