Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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