Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
