Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
