im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
