Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
