I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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