my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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