Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
