Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
