Only a mothe r could love this liver
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
