Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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