So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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