I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
