Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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