Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
