So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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