she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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