Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
