Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
