I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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