Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
