hell yes lets make some ravioli
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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