So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
