One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
