the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
