I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I can't turn off my feet"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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