We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
